Fire All Turners

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Recently I saw a brief Onion headline (we love the Onion) that just said

Norv Turner Fired as Coach of Chargers, Right?

This blog despises all Turners from the ruin that Ron Turner inflicted on the Bears and the Illini. While his brother Norv seems to have a few more brain cells than Dumb Ron, that isn’t saying much, like saying that Ron Turner is better than Shoop (true enough), when Shoop was just the absolute worst.
Now Rolling Stone is into it – their columnist Taibbi says some crazy stuff and I like his summary of Norv Turner:

But the worst in the Tebow series was San Diego’s Norv Turner, surely the most clueless and uninspiring figure ever to be given three head coaching jobs, a man who stands on the sidelines every Sunday wearing the hopelessly defeated expression of a husband being shown videos of his wife walking into a motel with her personal trainer.

Ha ha, I can’t believe he’s been a head coach three times either, but then again I can’t believe Ron is still employed in the NFL.

Armed with one of the best QB’s of the generation, Turner in overtime against the Broncos instead put the game in the hands of his worst unit, his offensive line, calling three straight runs to set up a long field-goal try that the entire country knew was going to be a miss. Denver won on the next possession.

Bears Ownership Says “Thanks, Suckers”

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In today’s newspaper the Bears took out a full page ad showing the completely full Soldier Field with “Thank You” in the end zones and the caption

For your support.
For your dedication.
For your passion.

Of course now’s the time when we SHOULD be having football in Soldier Field – the playoffs. But of course Soldier Field is packed away from the winter after our terrible finish going from 7-3 to 8-8 in a 1-5 slide into oblivion once Cutty got hurt.

But the real message is – “Thanks suckers”. Those who keep buying season tickets year after year (like us) no matter how crappy the end product is out on the field, and no matter how far we are from 1) hiring strong management 2) fielding a Super Bowl quality team.

I am also chuckling that the Bears notice the FAN’S passion. What about Lovie’s non-existent passion? Shouldn’t that be a cause for concern, as he stands idly on the sidelines, burning timeouts and watching Martz call a mad-scientist game plan?

Why don’t you show your real support for the fans by hiring an actual GM that is good and would take control of the situation not like the increasingly inept line of McCaskets and their stool pigeon management teams?

Thanks, suckers.

Fire Mike Tice

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Well, Mike Tice is our new OC. I think is a pretty good pick honestly. Power run game, here we come. This will also be good for Cutty, as the seven step drop of death should be nixed from the playbook. What do you think?

Meanwhile, we will be getting our crack tech staff on securing firemiketice.com to redirect here for the inevitable. Masthead also changed to keep the theme of the blog.

Lovie’s Goals

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It is a great day here at Fire Everybody. Angelo and Martz are gone. Yet Lovie remains…

I was looking at the Bears web site for coaches to look for bio information and stumbled upon the main quote under Lovie:

Smith set forth with three stated goals when he was hired as the 13th head coach in Chicago Bears history on January 15, 2004: end the decade of dominance by the Green Bay Packers over the Bears, capture the NFC North Division for Chicago and win the Super Bowl.

I will admit that the smartest thing that Lovie ever said was that his #1 goal was to beat the Packers. And for many years we were doing well in that category, as well as winning the division. And we even half-attended a Super Bowl.

But now that quote looks pretty bitter as the Packers and even the Lions look ready to school us for years to come with our aging roster and betting on Cutty to come back big as well as to get “one more year” out of our aging All-Stars on defense.

He should read his own bio on the Bears’ site and ask himself if he is the man for the job.

Let’s Put a Bow on the 2011 Season

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Well, shit.

That about sums up my feelings about this years Bears season. I am not going to be as harsh on the coaches and management as many have been here. So what did we learn about the team this year, where have we been, and where do we need to go?

We are learning that the NFL is really starting to become a quarterback and “staying healthy” league. We don’t really have to have any arguments anymore about the Bears sucking without Cutty because they completely proved that after he went down. Oh sure, the Pack scored a bunch yesterday with Flynn at the controls, but do any of you really think he could pull that off for a whole season? Didn’t think so. No quarterback, no dice.

We have conclusively proven that bad luck, angst, and plague follow Ron Turner wherever he goes.

I will not go to bat for Bears management, but I won’t bash them too bad either for what happened THIS year. We honestly had a pretty good team in place and were a playoff shoe-in until Cutty got hurt, then Forte. The Carimi injury just killed us too. Don’t get me wrong – we will likely never win a Super Bowl with this group of clowns, but I have a hard time bashing them for the whole team blowing up.

I cannot figure out why we drafted Nathan Enderle.

Mike Martz is completely insane for not changing his bewildering game plan for Hanie.

McClown did better (WAY BETTER) than I thought he would.

Hanie did worse (WAY WORSE) than I thought he would. We need to cut him.

Peanut Tillman was awful this year and we need to part ways.

Steltz and Conti came around. The new Fencik and Plank they are not, but I will take them.

Carimi will be a star if he can recover. He is a giant and can move and is nasty. We need to draft another one like him in this draft. Ohmygod needs to go as well as some of the other stiffs on our O Line.

Our linebackers are old and getting older. I think their best days may be behind them and it will be interesting to see how Url’s injury plays out in the off season.

I still want the Chin and his crew in here to right the ship, but then again, monkeys might fly out of my butt. Lets face it, the McCaskets like Lovie because he is predictable, a nice guy, and doesn’t draw any bad press like that asshole Ryan of the Jests.

So esteemed commenters, what did I miss?

Bears 2006 Season Explained

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Dan and I started this site to try to get Bears fans to focus on offense because offense wins games and our obsession with defense here in Chicago blinds us to why we never win a championship.

While there are many statistics out there on offense and defense it is hard to get an overall “rank” on special teams. As we try to figure out what went right in the Bears’ seasons (besides defense) this shows how much special teams helped us during the Super Bowl run in 2006 which ended in the Grossman debacle.

The Bears have placed a huge emphasis on special teams over the years and, along with our defense, this has helped us paper over many of the obvious holes in our offense.

It would be best just to “fix” the offense in the first place, but this has been the Bears’ way, and it has helped us get much closer to the championship than we should have just looking at our offensive statistics.

We Want To Talk About Firing Mike Martz

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In a quote that is so funny that I have to think it comes from The Onion here is a link to an article on Mike Martz in today’s Chicago Tribune:

Smith snaps at question about Martz’s future… Bears coach can’t understand interest in where offensive coordinator will be next year

Really? You can’t understand why Bears’ fans like us way up in the cheap seats want to know when you are going to get rid of Mike Martz?

When Mike Martz came to Chicago we were elated to get rid of Dumb Ron and held out some hope for Mr. “Greatest Show on Turf” even though he had been an epic failure in his last few coaching stints. And while Martz certainly is smarter than Ron for some reason it never gelled on the field when it counted and many of his calls and maneuvers were frankly inexplicable.

The only part that riles us up even more is the fact that Martz will likely be the “fall guy” for Lovie and Angelo and everyone else who will hum along, keeping their jobs for years to come. We want Martz to go but we also want a sweep of pretty much everyone else with the exception of special teams (Toub) and Tice who, against all odds, put together an offensive line that worked out of broken parts. And hey the defense played well after getting torched the first 5 games and what can you expect when the offense craters anyways since they are on the field, demoralized, the whole damn game.

Bears Slack Open Thread

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Believe it or not, we are still alive for the final wild card spot. We need to win two, and the Falcons need to lose two. Simple as that. Yea, I don’t think it will happen either, but you never know.

So today we get to see Josh McCown play. Marion Barber is hurt so Bell will most likely get the start at running back.

At this point, I am reduced to rooting for an injury to Rogers so the rest of the world can see how average the Packers are without him. The NFL really is starting to boil down to having a good QB and trying to stay healthy.

Merry Christmas all of you knuckleheads.

The Most Disappointing Bears Season in my Memory

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I recently ran into a friend at a bar and she is not much of a sports fan. But she knows that I am a big Bears fan and she said that every time we lose and suffer terrible injuries and news I am the first person she thinks of. Kind of like that line in Caddyshack, at least I have that going for me… I am associated with awful Bears news.

And there has been SO MUCH terrible news this year. On the personnel front:
- Dave Duerson commits suicide, shooting himself in the chest so that his brain can be reviewed for signs of dementia (which were there)
- Willie Gault sued for a “stock pumping scheme”
- Walter Payton’s biography comes out causing a bitter reaction (I don’t know how much of it was justified, but it was a scene)

Then we have the AWFUL looking injury to Knox (I couldn’t see it because I was at the game on the other side of the field, and didn’t look at the replay, but everyone I talked to said it was insane and I didn’t feel the need to check it out).

Regular injuries to our offensive line including #1 pick Carimi, Forte, of course Cutty, etc…

Dan and I think that Barber may have thrown that game, or at a minimum not getting out of bounds was the worst (and most preventable) coaching / player blunder we have seen in years.

Oh yeah and Hurd of course tried to buy bushels of dope.

Let’s not forget the insane play calling that snuffed out any luck for Hanie in the red zone debacle and that “Hail Mary” hit by Urlacher that ended up costing the game too.

We had momentum for a MOMENT – we had decent play calling (for a moment) – and were poised to get to the playoffs with a 7-3 record. The defense had their crap together after getting torched the first 5 games. And then Cutty got hurt and we lost 4 in a row to TERRIBLE teams, including the last complete debacle to the Sea Chickens, a team we stomped in the playoffs less than 12 months ago.

The only “positive” I can think of is at least we eliminated the illusion among some that Cutty doesn’t turn this team from being a doormat into a potential playoff team.

I admit that the Bears have had WORSE seasons – but in order to DISAPPOINT you need to 1) raise expectations and build momentum 2) then shatter these expectations in a brutal fashion.

The 2011 Bears season did that for me in a big way. It wins my vote for the biggest gap between what it “could have been” and the sad, pathetic way it closes out the end of the year.

What do you think?

What Is The Draft For?

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Lets be frank and cut Caleb Hanie a little slack here. Of course, he has proven that he sucks. But our offensive coordinator changed his game plan zero for a quarterback who is clearly not as skilled as Cutler. I am not making excuses for Hanie and I still think he should be released at the end of the season, but the game plan should have been simplified. Duh.

The word is that Hanie won’t start against the Packers. I am hearing that McCown will be taking the snaps. So I propose a question – why do we have a draft?

We used our fifth round pick last year for Nathan Enderle, a four year starter at Idaho. Now Idaho isn’t exactly the SEC, but he at least has played college football and (I assume) has had a lot of practice time with the Bears. He doesn’t do much else, so I hope he at least has spent his time on the sidelines trying to learn the Martz system.

Why on earth would we draft and pay a player with the intention of never playing him? Lovie/Martz by starting McCown are essentially saying that this draft pick didn’t matter. So I guess we should just trade off these later picks or maybe the whole draft in general and just play the free agent market? Maybe Enderle truly sucks rocks. I just don’t get it.

Bet On Our Terrible Play Calling!

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Dan and I bet from time to time while up in the cheap seats on the Bears. The most frequent bet occurs when the Bears offense touches the football for the first time after a kickoff, punt or turnover… – will they get a first down, or not. Now you need to give odds on that bet, since the Bears don’t usually get a first down when they get the ball – if I was smart I’d go back and check, but we usually do 3-1 or something like that (against) to make it interesting. And we switch sides every time because watching them go 3 and out all game long is a drag (once they get 1 first down the bets are off because they usually get a few then until they get to the red zone, in which case they are usually dead from a TD perspective and who wants to bet on field goals).

During the totally dismal years of Bears offensive futility we had our own play card… would it be their “I Formation of Death” or “Terror Screen” or “God knows what happened in that backfield but they lost 3 yards” or “no chance bomb”.

With this app you can apparently bet on every play now in the NFL! It is called “PrePlay” and it is for your iPhone. I haven’t seen it yet will need to try it out. We will need to customize it for Martz’s madness, though. Any suggestions? How about

- 7 step drop of death
- let’s call three run plays in a row and then punt when only up by a bit
- some totally risky and complex play in the Red Zone that is unnecessary

Short Term Pain, Long Term Gain?

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One of my friends had an interesting summary of the Bears season. To paraphrase, he stated that we were on a five game win streak and considered by many to be the second best team in the NFC (I don’t necessarily agree with this but hey). Then Cutty goes down, Forte goes down, Barber pukes up the game, and now with the Hurd arrest the Bears are essentially a dumpster fire.

We are all saddened by the way things have been going lately, but is it the best thing? If we tank the rest of the year and end up 8-8 and/or miss the playoffs, will this finally get Lovie out the door? I am too lazy to look it up, but how many years does Lovie have left? I imagine if the McCaskets didn’t have to eat any of his contract that it would be easier to show him the door. I will give credit to the Illinois athletic department for eating two years of the Zooker’s contract to get him down the road. Of course that is anathema to the McCaskets.

Maybe if Lovie was gone with the rest of the crew including Martz, we could then shell out the big bucks and get the chin in here with his crew if there was a total house cleaning, including Angelo. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

What do you think? Would the Bears sucking ass the rest of the way be the best thing to happen to us?

Sam Hurd Arrested

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Whoa, this is bigtime. From Deadspin:

Even though Chicago brought in Roy Williams this offseason, Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd may have been the more disappointing former Cowboy. Hurd has only eight catches (no touchdowns) all season, and he’s staring down some major federal drug charges.

According to the Dallas Morning News, Hurd had been negotiating for the drugs in North Texas since his days as a Cowboy. He was arrested last night at a steakhouse in Chicago, and he’ll be in federal court there today.

According to the affidavit, one of Hurd’s associates had been negotiating a major drug buy with a criminal informant in July, which caused federal investigators to stop a vehicle that Hurd owned. They seized a bag full of marijuana and $88,000 in cash.

Later this year, per the complaint, Hurd’s people resumed negotiations for the cocaine, and Hurd got involved face-to-face. He told the federal agent that he wanted to purchase five to ten kilos of cocaine, and 1,000 pounds of marijuana, per week, to deal in Chicago. He then allegedly received a kilo of coke from the agent, at which point they arrested him.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the Bears know about the report but haven’t acted on it yet. We’ll update as we get new information.

Sheesh, I am thinking Hurd will be going to the big house at Club Fed if this is true. I hope the Bears have an opt out in that contract for behavior reasons. I would imagine every single NFL contract has language about behavior in it.

Was Marion Barber Paid?

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A stinging defeat last Sunday.

Lets cut to the chase here.

I am not a typical Black Helicopter guy, but when it comes to oddities while I am watching a football game, I always wonder. I have a feeling that there is a lot of point shaving going on. But lets talk about Marion Barber. Of course he fumbled the game away, but more importantly to me was the going out of bounds play.

The Bronco game had a line of the Broncos -3 or -3.5, depending on where you get your action.

At the time of the Barber going out of bounds play, the Bears were up 10-7 and we were under 2 minutes with the Tebows Broncos out of timeouts.

So here is the play:

Basic run off tackle. But that avenue was blocked. Instead of smashing into the big pile, Barber makes a move to the outside, breaks a tackle and then gets shoved out of bounds. But why in gods name is he heading outside anyways? Wouldn’t instructions at this point be to just go down? Also, after Barber shook off the tackle by #26, he barely got nudged by the next guy and flopped down like a pile of shit. If you look at the way he fell on the sidelines, it is curious to say the least. Then he gets up and claps his hands – did he at that point remember that he wasn’t supposed to go out of bounds? Or was that “job well done”?

While this video isn’t really proof positive of Barber taking payola, it isn’t exactly making me think that there wasn’t anything dirty going on either. Thoughts?

Tebowing Yourself

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The Bears totally Tebowed themselves yesterday. Sure, Tebow had a nice drive at the end, but the errors that the Bears coaching staff and players made were absolutely mind boggling.

Marion Barber. Holy fuck. Are you kidding me? STAY IN BOUNDS when the other team doesn’t have time outs. That cost us the game. And don’t fumble – that cost us the game too. Barber is the biggest idiot on the field, or was paid Ronnie Harmon style to drop the ball at the end.

But lets talk about some other things. Martz’s play calling was, once again, insane. The seven step drop of death ™ was called WAY too many times and Hanie just could not deliver. Hanie missed Barber over the middle for a huge gain late in the game that cost us the game. Hanie had very few bright moments and the offense had so many three and outs I could hardly keep track of them which cost us the game.

Starting to get my drift? There were just so many things that went wrong in that game yesterday it makes my head spin. In the alternate football universe I watched some of the Packer game. All you can say is wow to that offense.

Our defensive front four is quickly becoming a force. Our lb play is still good but our corners and safetys (Tillman especially, great pick notwithstanding) still blow. Steltz is coming along nicely, I will admit.

But that offense. Lance Louis – for real?

OK all handwringing aside it looks like this:
Chickens
@Slack
@Queens

At this point we must beat both the Chickens and Queens and get some help. If the Pack play their starters there is no way we win that game so we need to squeak in at 9-7 – but you never know – the Pack could sit Rogers and we could pull the upset. You never know.

Bears Tebows Open Thread

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After last weeks loss to the Chefs, this game just got a lot more important for the Bears playoff chances. I think if we win this one, we are in, with games remaining with the Chickens, Slack and Queens. We take (hopefully) the Chickens and Queens and that would put us at 10-6, assuming we beat the Broncos today. Even if we lose today, the two wins vs the Chickens and Queens put us at 9-7 and we could still squeak in so all would not be lost. By the way at the beginning of the year, my prediction was exactly that – 9-7 and squeaking in as a wild card.